Personal Development for Smart People^TM

Here are the results from the “How to Be a Woman” writing challenge I posed at the end of last week’s “How to Be a Man” article.

A total of 52 submissions were received. Erin and I both read every single one of them. By the time I was done, I felt like I’d just completed a course in Women’s Studies. My head was swimming with ideas.

There were so many valuable ideas offered that it was extremely difficult to decide which ones we liked best. Erin and I couldn’t agree on our favorites, so we decided that we’d share our individual top picks instead of trying to force ourselves to agree. Our #1 picks are listed in bold.

Erin’s top picks:

1. Womanhood by Vicki
2. How to Be a Woman by Hayden Tompkins
3. How to Be a Woman by Hunter Nuttall
4. I Am Woman by Millionaire Mommy Next Door

Steve’s top picks:

1. How to Be a Woman by Suzie Fleming
2. How to Be a Woman by Squawkfox
3. How to Be a Woman by Emily Calle
4. How to Be a Woman by Lola

Here are the remaining submissions (in the order they were received):

1. How to Be a Woman by Turil Cronburg
2. How to Be a Woman - Her Three Stages by K.S. Yu
3. How to Be a Woman by Laura Thompson
4. How to Be a Woman by Noa Rose
5. How to Be a Woman by Helga Sombrofsky
6. How to Be a Woman by Apollia
7. How to Be a Woman by Rajbir Dhaliwal
8. Consciously Being a Girl by Andrea La Rose
9. How to Be a Woman by Nicholas Powiull
10. What Does It Mean to Be a Woman? by Tiny Jäntsch
11. How to Be a Woman by Shahnaz
12. How to Be a Woman by Liz Maher
13. How to Be a Woman by Myrlia Purcell
14. How to Be a Woman by Kate Hudson
15. How to Be a Woman by Romona Paden
16. How to Live Consciously as a Woman by Niki
17. How to Be a Woman by Sonya Sidky
18. How to Be a Woman by Rachelle
19. How to Be a Woman by Barb D.
20. How to Be a Woman by Tamas
21. How to Be a Woman by Mike Elias
22. How to Be a Woman by Gretchen Cawthon
23. How to Be a Woman by Avani
24. How to Be an Attractive Woman by Andrew
25. 5 Ways to Be a Confident Sexy Woman by Nancy Hayssen
26. How to Be a Woman by Jennifer Bingham Heart
27. Muliebrity by Rebecca
28. How to Be a Woman by Rachel Knight
29. How to Be a (Successful, Inspirational) Woman by Erica Douglass
30. Be a Real Woman by Cheryl Hochstettler
31. How to Be a Woman by Cathy
32. Undefined Refinement: How to Be a Woman by Nicole
33. How To Be A Woman (The Yin Warrior) by Candice Schutter
34. How to Be a Woman by Niamh
35. How to Be a Woman at Work by Karl Staib
36. How to Be a Woman by Sheryn Bruehl
37. How to Be a (Conscious) Woman by Carol
38. How to Be a Woman by Svetlana Ovanesyan
39. The “How to Be a Woman” Challenge by Lexi
40. The Beauty, Virtues and Strength of a Woman by SpiritFREE1
41. How to Go From Being a Girl to Being a Woman by Juanita
42. How to Be a Woman by Beth Patterson
43. How to Be a Woman by Monique DeBose
44. Being a Woman by Lin Cremore

Hundreds of different ideas were shared in these articles. I took notes on every article, and I noticed several recurring themes. If I were to write my own “How to Be a Woman” article to summarize some of the strongest and most frequent ideas, it would include the following 10 pieces of advice:

1. Get to know your authentic self.

Discover the real you. Don’t blindly accept the role you were conditioned by others to fill. You have your own path to follow. Be your own independent person. Don’t allow peer pressure to force you into an inauthentic role.

2. Own your power.

Accept full responsibility for your life. Don’t live as a doormat, a sheep, or a victim. Stop giving away your power. You must accept that you’re the creator of your life and that no one is coming to rescue you. Many women stressed the importance of taking responsibility for your own financial future instead of leaving it in the hands of a spouse.

3. Find your voice.

Build the courage to express yourself authentically. Speak your truth. You deserve to be heard. If others react negatively, that’s their problem. Ask for what you want; you can’t expect others to be mind-readers. You teach others how you want to be treated — not by dropping hints but by telling them directly. If you don’t speak up for yourself, who will?

4. Find your tribe.

Consciously build and nurture a supportive network of positive relationships, including family and friends. Drop relationships that drain you; maintaining them is self-abuse. If you don’t like your current relationships, it’s up to you to change that. Surround yourself with good people who love you and inspire you. You deserve the very best relationships.

5. Practice self-care.

Avoid overwhelm by taking time to sharpen the saw. Give yourself permission to do what you enjoy. Demands from other people can wait. Accept that you can’t do everything for everyone. You can’t give to others when you’re empty inside.

6. Express your creative side.

Cultivate outlets for creative self-expression. Explore music, art, writing, poetry, etc. Build a business. Be artistic. Put your ideas into physical form.

7. Embrace conscious sexuality.

You and you alone must decide the role sex will play in your life. There are no right or wrong answers. If you want it and enjoy it, let that be enough. Different women had widely varying opinions on what kind of sexual expression they personally preferred, ranging from waiting until marriage to having guilt-free one-night stands. But the commonality was that they consciously decided and accepted what was right for them, regardless of how other people felt about it.

8. Be beautiful.

True beauty comes from the inside. It can’t be found beneath a load of cosmetics and surgical alterations. Recognize that you’re a beautiful person on the inside, and you’ll broadcast that awareness on the outside. You are beautiful.

9. Keep your heart open.

Regardless of how badly you may have been hurt in the past, keep your heart open. You’re stronger than you think. The rewards of love outweigh the risks of being hurt again. You’re here to express love, not to live in fear.

10. Become wise.

You are highly intuitive, so work on deepening your ability to trust your intuition. Keep learning and growing. In the long run, your wisdom will become one of your greatest assets, both as a way to meet your own needs and to help others. (Many women placed a very high value on developing their wisdom.)

***

Reading all of these pieces was amazingly eye-opening. I offer a huge “thank you” to everyone who chose to participate.

The point of articles such as these isn’t to dictate how you’re supposed to live. The point is to offer you different perspectives to consider, so you can make more conscious and deliberate choices for yourself.

Being a man or woman isn’t about blindly following popular gender patterns, nor is it about rejecting such patterns out of hand and rebelliously embracing their opposites. Ultimately you must define what kind of man or woman you will become. This is a choice you must make for yourself as an individual, regardless of what anyone else thinks. What kind of man/woman do you wish to be? Life awaits your answer…

I must say that I’m in awe of just how incredibly beautiful and insightful the readers of this site are. Thanks again for sharing your voice!

What does it mean to be a man today? How can men consciously express their masculinity without becoming cold or closed-hearted on the one hand… or wimpy and emasculated on the other? What’s the most loving way for a conscious man to express himself?

Here are 10 ways to live more consciously as a man:

1. Make real decisions.

A man understands and respects the power of choice. He lives a life of his own creation. He knows that life stagnates when he fails to decide and flourishes when he chooses a clear path.

When a man makes a decision, he opens the door he wants and closes the doors he doesn’t want. He locks onto his target like a guided missile. There’s no guarantee he’ll reach his target, and he knows this, but he doesn’t need such guarantees. He simply enjoys the sense of inevitability that comes from pushing the launch button.

A man doesn’t require the approval of others. He’s willing to follow his heart wherever it leads him. When a man is following his heart-centered path, it’s of little consequence if the entire world is against him.

2. Put your relationships second.

A man who claims his #1 commitment in life is his relationship partner (or his family) is either too dishonest or too weak to be trusted. His loyalties are misplaced. A man who values individuals above his own integrity is a wretch, not a free thinker.

A man knows he must commit to something greater than satisfying the needs of a few people. He’s not willing to be domesticated, but he is willing to accept the responsibility that comes with greater challenges. He knows that when he shirks that duty, he becomes something less than a man. When others observe that the man is unyieldingly committed to his values and ideals, he gains their trust and respect, even when he cannot gain their direct support. The surest way for a man to lose the respect of others (as well as his self-respect) is to violate his own values.

Life will test the man to see if he’s willing to put loyalty to others ahead of loyalty to his principles. The man will be offered many temptations to expose his true loyalties. A man’s greatest reward is to live with integrity, and his greatest punishment is what he inflicts upon himself for placing anything above his integrity. Whenever the man sacrifices his integrity, he loses his freedom… and himself as well. He becomes an object of pity.

3. Be willing to fail.

A man is willing to make mistakes. He’s willing to be wrong. He’d rather try and fail than do nothing.

A man’s self-trust is one of his greatest assets. When he second-guesses himself by worrying about failure, he diminishes himself. An intelligent man considers the prospect of failure, but he doesn’t preoccupy himself with pointless worry. He accepts that if a failure outcome occurs, he can deal with it.

A man grows more from failure than he does from success. Success cannot test his resolve in the way that failure can. Success has its challenges, but a man learns more about himself when he takes on challenges that involve risk. When a man plays it safe, his vitality is lost, and he loses his edge.

4. Be confident.

A man speaks and acts with confidence. He owns his attitude.

A man doesn’t adopt a confident posture because he knows he’ll succeed. He often knows that failure is a likely outcome. But when the odds of success are clearly against him, he still exudes confidence. It isn’t because he’s ignorant or suffering from denial. It’s because he’s proving to himself that he has the strength to transcend his self-doubt. This builds his courage and persistence, two of his most valuable allies.

A man is willing to be defeated by the world. He’s willing to be taken down by circumstances beyond his control. But he refuses to be overwhelmed by his own self-doubt. He knows that when he stops trusting himself, he is surely lost. He’ll surrender to fate when necessary, but he won’t surrender to fear.

5. Express love actively.

A man is an active giver of love, not a passive receiver. A man is the first to initiate a conversation, the first to ask for what’s needed, and the first to say “I love you.” Waiting for someone else to make the first move is unbecoming of him. The universe does not respond positively to his hesitation. Only when he’s in motion do the floodgates of abundance open.

Man is the out-breath of source energy. It is his job — his duty — to share his love with the world. He must wean himself from suckling the energy of others and become a vibrant transmitter of energy himself. He must allow that energy to flow from source, through him, and into the world. When he assumes this role, he has no doubt he is living as his true self.

6. Re-channel sex energy.

A man doesn’t hide his sexuality. If others shrink from him because he’s too masculine, he allows them to have their reaction. There’s no need for him to lower his energy just to avoid frightening the timid. A man accepts the consequences of being male; he makes no apologies for his nature.

A man is careful not to allow his energy to get stuck at the level of lust. He re-channels much of his sexual energy into his heart and head, where it can serve his higher values instead of just his animal instincts. (You can do this by visualizing the energy rising, expanding, and eventually flowing throughout your entire body and beyond.)

A man channels his sexual energy into his heart-centered pursuits. He feels such energy pulsing within him, driving him to action. He feels uncomfortable standing still. He allows his sexual energy to explode through his heart, not just his genitals.

7. Face your fears.

For a man, being afraid of something is reason enough to do it. A man’s fear is a call to be tested. When a man hides from his fears, he knows he’s fallen out of alignment with his true self. He feels weak, depressed, and helpless. No matter how hard he tries to comfort himself and achieve a state of peace, he cannot overcome his inner feeling of dread. Only when facing his fears does a man experience peace.

A man makes a friend of risk. He doesn’t run and hide from the tests of fear. He turns toward them and engages them boldly.

A man succeeds or fails. A coward never makes the attempt. Specific outcomes are of less concern to a man than his direction.

A man feels like a man whenever he faces the right way, staring straight into his fears. He feels even more like a man when he advances in the direction of his fears, as if sailing on the winds of an inner scream.

8. Honor the masculinity of other men.

When a man sees a male friend undertaking a new venture that will clearly lead to failure, what does the man do? Does he warn his friend off such a path? No, the man encourages his friend to continue. The man knows it’s better for his friend to strike out confidently and learn from the failure experience. The man honors his friend’s decision to reach out and make the attempt. The man won’t deny his friend the benefits of a failure experience. The man may offer his friend guidance, but he knows his friend must fail repeatedly in order to develop self-trust and courage.

When you see a man at the gym struggling to lift a heavy weight, do you jump in and say, “Here… let me help you with that. Maybe the two of us can lift it together”? No, that would rob him of the growth experience — and probably make a quick enemy of him as well.

The male path is filled with obstacles. It typically includes more failures than successes. These obstacles help a man discover what’s truly important to him. Through repeated failures a man learns to persist in the pursuit of worthy goals and to abandon goals that are unworthy of him.

A man can handle being knocked down many times. For every physical setback he experiences, he enjoys a spiritual advancement, and that is enough for him.

9. Accept responsibility for your relationships.

A man chooses his friends, lovers, and associates consciously. He actively seeks out the company of people who inspire and challenge him, and he willingly sheds those who hold him back.

A man doesn’t blame others for his relationship problems. When a relationship is no longer compatible with his heart-centered path, he initiates the break-up and departs without blame or guilt.

A man holds himself accountable for the relationships he allows into his life. He holds others accountable for their behavior, but he holds himself accountable for his decision to tolerate such behavior.

A man teaches others how to treat him by the relationships he’s willing to allow into his life. A man refuses to fill his life with negative or destructive relationships; he knows that’s a form of self-abuse.

10. Die well.

A man’s great challenge is to develop the inner strength to express his true self. He must learn to share his love with the world without holding back. When a man is satisfied that he’s done that, he can make peace with death. But if he fails to do so, death becomes his enemy and haunts him all the days of his life.

A man cannot die well unless he lives well. A man lives well when he accepts his mortality and draws strength from knowing that his physical existence is temporary. When a man faces and accepts the inevitability of death… when he learns to see death as his ally instead of his enemy… he’s finally able to express his true self. So a man isn’t ready to live until he accepts that he’s already dead.

How to Be a Woman?

Now who will write “How to Be a Woman”?

I’ll tell you what. If you can write the “How to Be a Woman” article, go ahead and post it on your site, and email me a link to it. Next week I’ll make a post linking to all the quality submissions. Erin and I will select the article we consider the most insightful, and that link will be given special prominence at the top of the results post. So basically the prize is a permanent link and free traffic.

I’ll only link to new articles I believe offer genuine value to the reader (i.e. interesting, original ideas), so don’t bother submitting a sloppily written fluff piece or an old article just to get a link. I’d rather link to 5 thoughtful articles than 50 mediocre ones. If you can write reasonably well, you should be fine.

There are no requirements for how you format such an article (you don’t have to follow the ten-item format above). You can use any personal style you like, including writing a strictly humorous piece. The main consideration is how much value and insight you deliver.

Let’s give this a deadline of about 4 days, so all submissions must be received by 7pm PST (that’s GMT-8) on Tuesday, May 13. I’ll post the results as soon as Erin and I have had sufficient time to review the submissions. I’ve never done this before, so I have no idea how many submissions we’ll get, but I imagine it will be somewhere between 1 and 50.

You don’t have to be a woman to submit a “How to Be a Woman” article, but there’s a good chance it will help.

P.S. If you happen to be offended by all or part of this article, you should be able to find plenty more articles that offend you in the Archives.

Update May 14, 2008:  The “How to Be a Woman” challenge is now closed, so we’re no longer considering new submissions. 52 submissions were received - Wow! Erin and I will read through all of them, and I’ll make a summary post as soon as we’re done.