Bear Bombing

Recently I’ve been having some fun with something I call “bear bombing.” If my wife and kids decide they want to keep sleeping well past dawn, I grab my trusty digital kitchen timer (one with a very loud alarm), set the fuse for 4 seconds, and take up a position just outside one of their bedroom doors. Then in one fluid movement, I hit the timer’s start button, open the door, and lob the bear grenade onto the bed before closing the door and diving for cover. As the bear grenade explodes with thunderous noise, I enjoy sadistic amusement at the bear’s adrenaline-fueled confusion at being forcibly roused from hibernation. While a normal alarm clock can be turned off and disregarded, the ensuing hormonal storm that bear bombing creates in the hapless bear never fails to ensure the bear’s continued wakefulness. Apparently, anger, betrayal, and bloodlust are even better stimulants than caffeine.

Bear bombing, however, is more than mere polyphasic playfulness. We bears frequently need an external wake-up call when we linger too long in the state of unconscious living. In those situations it’s the duty of those who are conscious to lob a few bear bombs into the caves of the hibernating masses.

Here are some serving suggestions for successful bear bombing:

“Hey Shelly… would you like to place a bet in our latest office pool? We’re betting on how long you and Tim will continue living together. The new guy wanted to bet on when your marriage would end, so I had to inform him that he can’t bet on events that already happened.”

“Hey John… just wanted to let you know that we disabled your office internet access. After installing spyware on your PC and reviewing the logs, we determined that this would increase your productivity by a factor of 10.”

“Hey Maggie… Sure I’ll go to lunch with you. But then I’d like to show you this amazing place around the corner that I guarantee you’ve never seen before. It’s called a gym. And there’s this new thing people are doing called exercise. You’ve got to see it to believe it!”

“Hey Chris… we were wondering if you could spray yourself down with this can of air freshener before returning from your smoke breaks. Most of us like the smell of fragrant flowers more than the smell of ashes. We’d also like to know if there’s anything we can do to change your mind regarding your decision to kill yourself.”

Most bears will not take kindly to bear bombing; however, once a certain frequency of bear bombing is established (at least weekly), the bear will find it increasingly difficult to return to full hibernation. And ultimately the bear’s newfound consciousness may lead the bear to make some genuine changes to improve the bear’s living conditions. This has the net effect of improving the conditions for everyone, since a conscious, happy bear is a sight to behold.

Have some fun with your fellow bears, and lob a few bear grenades today.

Update 3/8: Long-term readers will recognize that I write with a variety of different styles, so if this post isn’t to your liking, try not to get too worked up about it. Bear bombing is extremely effective with people who have the right receptivity to it and a healthy sense of humor (it worked wonders on me at one time), but if you’re the sensitive type who becomes defensive instead of seeing the humor in such things, then you may wish to replace bear bombs with bear hugs. ūüėČ