How to become a 'strong personality'

[Hue]

So, having taken a long hard look at myself lately I've realised that I have been pushed around to one degree or another most of my life. This has been both physical and verbal by the usual suspects; bigger kids at school, older siblings, bosses at work ect.

It is clear to me now that I am dominated by people with forceful personalites all the time.

I think we all agree on here that one's personality can be consciously changed. Can anyone suggest some practical ways to develop what is commonly know as a 'strong character'/ strong personality?

I've had few ideas
-Martial arts, self defense, any combat arts so if a verbal confrontation gets physical you can handle it.
-Go to the gym. Bulk up and develop some presence.
-Join the army. They have a reputation for turning mice into men.
-Do an exercise where you are deliberatley difficult and argumentative. It will be tough the first few times but through repetition and experience I'll toughen up.

All ideas would be greatley appreciated thanks.

[Nico Kempe]

Most of the ideas you posted seem to be aimed at your physical presence.
Although being muscular might help avoid getting bullied, it doesn't really help your state of mind I think.

Best thing would be if you were self confident and being happy with yourself.

One thing you could do is taking small challenges in several areas to improve your confidence. You could for instance say hi to strangers once a day. Maybe later this develops into having light conversation with strangers.
Another thing is making a list of things you need to do and, well, do them. One by one. And cross them from your list when they're done.

This things may not look relevant but look at them as baby steps. Each little victory will help improve your confidence. And when your confidence improves, your happiness and self-respect might improve. And when that improves, then you'll see that your environment will change for the better. People might leave you alone and others may come to appreciate your bright, sincere and happy personality.

Of course the law of attraction plays a big part here as well. Just think about being in a better place, with people treating you kindly, and you being more confident and maybe successful.

Either way, try to make yourself happy and confident, look into yourself, and don't worry about the outside world (the bullies and such). Your thoughts, the way you feel, that is what counts. The people that seem to be influencing your life in a negative way are just external factors that your mind can attract or repel like a magnet. It's up to you to reverse the polarity.

Hope that helps.

[Dan.Linehan]

You need to practice / work on this, but not at all in the way you think.

What is one of your goals right now? Keep that goal in mind for a moment, then ask yourself exactly who is holding you back from achieving it. 95% of the time the answer is nobody is directly stopping you.

You are giving all your attention and focus to the other 5% of the time. You are still making the same mistake - focusing on that which is external instead of dedicating yourself to your goals internally.

The difference between the bigger kids and the bosses of the world and you is that they don't focus on what is stopping them. They do what they want anyway.

When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson


What do you want to do, and why aren't you doing it?

[Dave Kaminski]

Do you have goals?

If not, the physical thing might help a ton. It's a big step in the right direction. You're probably pretty strongly tied to your physical body (not everyone here claims to be) and building that resource will gain you much confidence and 'self-esteem'

Once this has been done, you can focus on some more goals or some other goals. You can do it all simultaneously too, but I find it's easier to tackle one at a time unless you have a lot of free time or a lot of discipline.

[Hue]

Thanks guys, I greatley appreciate all the advice and feedback so far.

Just want to address a few points.

'Best thing would be if you were self confident and being happy with yourself'. I know this advice is well intentioned but I find 'be yourself/be happy' advice to be very vague and unactionable.

"What is one of your goals right now?" One of my mid-term goals is to own my own company and to do that I know I will have to be able to give orders and deal with confrontation. I actually got the army idea from Robert Kyosaki as rich dad told him to join the army to develop his leadership skills.

Again thanks for the feedback everybody and I welcome more comments.

[MisterEThoughts]

Personally, reading,writing,working out and diet. Has helped me achieve this goal quite, quickly.

[hkalchemy]

Read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective people by Steven Covey. The personality ethic you are talking about is just a band aid - real, lasting success comes from a deeper way of being in the world. This book cold really change your life, though there are no quick fixes.

Do a google search on this. There are many good articles on this suject. Here's a very brief one that I wrote.

[Jennihul]

Originally Posted by Hue

'Best thing would be if you were self confident and being happy with yourself'. I know this advice is well intentioned but I find 'be yourself/be happy' advice to be very vague and unactionable.

My first impression is that you have an incongruity between what you desire (a strong personality) and what you think can fix it.

What you need to do is figure out what you want. Do you wish to posses such a presence as to never be bullied again? You can accomplish that with physical changes only.

Do you wish to have a winning personality? That doesn't happen in the gym.

Strong personalities have nothing to do with physical strength. Some of the bulkiest men never speak because they have no personalities. (The brainless bouncer at the local dance club) Some of the most accomplished martial artists, dare I say the REAL martial artists, would never consider being loud, brash, demanding or behave in an overt way. (The character Seriph in The Matrix..)

Personality. It can be developed. Molded. Bad habits downplayed and good ones enhanced. But the biggest risk is trying too hard and seeming like a goober. People can see through fake personalities.

Jennifer

[Sam988]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

But the biggest risk is trying too hard and seeming like a goober. People can see through fake personalities.

Yeah. I saw The Apprentice today, and everyone tries to be like Trump, yet it looks so stupid, because they get very incongruent. The confidence Trump has cannot be emulated, it's something that comes from within.








Ok not that what i said about had much to do with the topic. I think that a "strong personality" and the resistance to confrontation can only be achieved through practice and experience.

That's what those "desensitization" therapies that some people with SA go through are about; exposing people to situations long enough that they feel comfortable with it. I think that this is the best way to deal with any field of social interactions where you are primarily uncomfortable with.

No amount of "affirmations", "visualizations", or whatever are going to be as effective and have as lasting effects as actually doing and experiencing it long enough that you get good at it. And yes, you will go through tuff experiences, but, unfortunately, in this world, things rarely come easy jumping on our laps.


Lol i just had a few issues that i needed to handle didn't know how and i just answered them now in my post. If we only listened to our own advices...

[Jennihul]

I have really had luck with "modelling" and the "fake it till you make it" techniques.

Modelling is just simple observation of people you would like to be more like. Then practicing their mannerisms and techniques. But you really have to like/love people for it to work. I was fortunate enough to have at least seven people to model at one of my first jobs.

Fake it till you make it should be easy if you have modelled enough people. Starting small. Working your way up to larger and more challenging circumstances. Pretty soon it's "you!"

Piece of cake!

Jennifer

[Gayathri]

You need to learn to be assertive. To turn from passivity to assertiveness, try reading this article and see if these ideas can be applied to your life. Good luck!

[votoshka]

I, too have issues with being a "weak" personality... and I know it's nothing to do with physical presence, it's to do with state of mind...

Today, for example, a man working for a competing electricity company came to the door with the intent to get me to sign up for this company. I saw him, and immediately thought, "I don't want to change my electricity provider". So what happened???

Well, basically, somehow, I ended up signing on the dotted line. How??? I don't know! Well, err, I do know... I just didn't have the courage to stand up and say, "No thanks, I'm not interested". He mentioned a cooling off period, and somewhere I just thought, "Ahh well, I can always call up and cancel". Which is stupid.

I think it's all about the courage to stick with your convictions and say, "NO" when you have to, instead of worrying about the other person. (I have no idea why I would worry about what some door knocking guy would think if I said no...)

I guess you can't get pushed around if you just refuse to let yourself be pushed around! This is obviously something I also need to work hard on!!

[newmark]

There are a number of good ideas above, and one of them is your own.
Martial arts can help a lot with confidence; although not exactly for the reason you mentioned. When you have confidence most people will feel it, and treat you in a different way. You will know you don't need to prove anything.
If you choose to study martial arts it is important to choose your teacher carefully. The teacher is more important than the style you might think is ideal for you. Martial arts, when taught and practiced well, are far more than the physical; although the physical is important. The health benefits are also excellent.

[Hue]

Thanks for all the replies guys, some of the advice has been very helpful and is greatley appreciated.

Personality. It can be developed. Molded. Bad habits downplayed and good ones enhanced. But the biggest risk is trying too hard and seeming like a goober. People can see through fake personalities.

Jennifer[/QUOTE]

I agree 100% that certain personality traits can be developed. What I'm interested in and asking for here is the 'how-to'. I will also say that I believe that if you fake it long enough (no matter what others say or think) then it will become part of who you are. So what are some of the good and bad habits that will lead to a more powerful personality?

Huey

[Hue]

p.s how do I quote like sam988 in a text box? Thanks

[Corvette]

Originally Posted by Hue

-Do an exercise where you are deliberatley difficult and argumentative. It will be tough the first few times but through repetition and experience I'll toughen up.

This is the one to pick. Get out there and be a bit of a dick to people. This will teach you that perception is everything. Most people are pushing you around because they think they can. You see their belief in their own actions and believe it yourself. If you do the same, you might find how easy it is to actually impose your reality on someone.

You don't have to do it forever if you don't want - but it's certainly worth doing it a bit to see how the world really works.

[philm]

Originally Posted by Hue

I think we all agree on here that one's personality can be consciously changed. Can anyone suggest some practical ways to develop what is commonly know as a 'strong character'/ strong personality?

Hue,

yep, sometimes we're forced to toughen up. If you don't need to be strong you can't ever be weak. My suggestions is to Know yourself.

Be completely honest with yourself. Throw away everything & be light hearted.

Throw away everything you know to be true, right, divine, sacred, strong, weak. Question all your habits & ask yourself what the hell am i doing here ? where am i going ?

Be completely immune to any opinions. Including your own. Without need to defend, fight or protect a position or identity. Just be there. Present. Aware.

: )

[robertanthony]

Have a look at these tests.

Myers Briggs and MBTI resources - applications of Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Personality Type, to personal & team work development - Personality Pathways

BBC - Science & Nature - Human Body and Mind - Mind - What Am I Like?

All About Emotional Intelligence from Six Seconds - Content

Mental Toughness

[gherret]

Hue,

Our situations are somewhat similar, so let me come with a suggestion that I haven't yet seen in the thread.

Three years ago I was severely unhappy with my character, and would often feel dominated by strong personalities. I felt as though a certain class of people were socially, conversationally and "confrontationally" out of my league, and could play me any way they wanted to. I did not feel worthy of playing on their court, and didn't believe I ever would be.

Being of a slight build, I worked out hard for 2 years until I was big and ripped. That gave some confidence, but it didn't calibrate me. I still felt limited.

I have since taken massive action to become the person I want to be, using various tools. I recommend one of these tools, and that is to seek communication coaching in a "natural game" PUA setting. My knowledgeable and well-rounded coach helped me learn about communication, mindsets, self-image, and body language. I was forced out of my comfort zone, having to talk to ("confront") complete strangers. The experience kick-started a massive development -- much more so than working out ever did.

Therefore I recommend "natural game" PUA coaching, because it teaches tools that are helpful beyond PU, and forces you to push your comfort zone. Note that the differences between good and bad coaching in this arena are vast, so be careful when you select your coach.

Have a great journey!

[ar81]

Originally Posted by Hue

So, having taken a long hard look at myself lately I've realised that I have been pushed around to one degree or another most of my life. This has been both physical and verbal by the usual suspects; bigger kids at school, older siblings, bosses at work ect.

If you think of the model of master-slave, you either are master or slave.
But if you think that other people are equal, you will demand others to treat you like that.

In my days as activist I had met people who you usually would see only on TV. I realized that an exboss I had bullied me more than a minister, a well know journalist or an ambassador. If a minister does not bully me, why is that an insignificant John Doe exboss mistreats me?

It is evident that someone believes he has the right to enslave me under his command. He had the wrong mindset, but unfortunately I met VIPs who were more human than him.

So I found the need to "educate" those who feel they can bully me. It is like educating a barbarian to be civilized.

My last fist fight took place when I was in Kindergarden. I am the living proof that you do not need a fist fight. Even if a gun is more lethal than a pen, a pen of a bureaucrat is more powerful than the assault gun of a soldier. So when it is about people who need to be "educated", I play the game of bureaucrat vs soldier.

Educating barbarians is not the tough part.

The tough part is not to play the slave role, to change mindset and to learn to say NO against all odds when you have to.